


Lullaby

by future_delegate



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, can be read as platonic or romantic, jean/marco if you squint, minor spoilers??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 18:38:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11697540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/future_delegate/pseuds/future_delegate
Summary: And it’s all so wrong.Because Eren Jaeger is supposed to be loud and annoying and angry, not small and sad and crying into his neck. And Jean Kirschstein is supposed to be superior and annoyed and distant, not soothing and protective and holding him close.





	Lullaby

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wrote this ages ago because it got stuck in my head and wouldn't get out and I've always liked it so I finally decided to edit it and post it. I'm not caught up on the anime or the manga so any discrepancies in canon come from that. This was unbetaed so if you find any mistakes please point them out. Title is from the song of the same name by Ok Go, I felt like it fit the mood I was trying to establish.

 Jean Kirschtein has wanted a lot of things in his life. Big things, like safety, security, a place in the military police, and small things, an extra helping of dessert, a hug from his mother, new shoes when his old ones grow too tight. He’s wanted things he knows he can work for, and he’s worked his ass off for them, and he’s wanted things he knows he can never have, and he only thinks about those in the middle of the night, when it seems like everything and nothing is possible. But right now? Right now there’s nothing more he wants than for Jaeger to just stop crying.

You still have Mikasa, he wants to say, you still have Armin. You still have Levi and Sasha and Connie and Hanji. You still have me. And that makes him pause for a second.

Because Eren _does_ still have him.

Eren has him even though he’s supposed to be in the military police, safe within the walls. Not out here, perched on a tree branch with the light fading and the cold growing and a sobbing Eren slumped in front of him.

The worst part, Jean thinks, as he watches Eren’s shoulders shake, is how bad it must have been to get _Eren Jaeger_ to cry in front of _him_.

 

“I-” His voice sticks in his throat. “I’m sorry, Jaeger. Okay?” he adds with a bit of a bite, because they’re not _friends_ , he doesn’t want Eren to go getting the impression that he _cares_ . “I crossed the line and I’m sorry.” For some reason this just makes Eren’s shoulders shake harder, makes the muffled sobs spilling out from under the hand he’s clapped over his mouth louder. Jean feels guilty and queasy. Because _no_ , he doesn’t _like_ Jaeger, but he definitely didn’t mean to make him cry.

 

Awkwardly, he kneels down next to Eren, wincing as his knees pop.”Jaeger-- _Eren_ , I’m sorry, alright? I’m really sorry.” He lays a hand on Eren’s shoulder, just barely resting it there, mentally pleading with Eren to stop. But Eren only hunches in on himself more and clamps his hands down until the knuckles turn white, like he thinks he can force the sounds back inside him.

 

Jean hasn’t cried in a long time, not real crying, at least, not the kind Eren’s doing. Oh, sure, he’s teared up after missions, but everyone’s done that. Hell, he’s even seen Corporal Levi looking a little misty eyed on occasion. Real crying is different. Like the way he cried as he watched the ashes of his best friend float in the night sky like dying fireflies. Or the way he cried at the beginning of their second year of training. A mistake during a 3DMG training exercise killed one of his teammates right next to him, and suddenly everything hit him like the way she’d hit that cliff. What he was doing, where he was going, how many more people might die. He’d thrown up right after dinner.

Marco had found him in the gear shed, crying hysterically behind the gas tanks. He hadn’t said anything at first, just sat down and pulled Jean close against him. They had stayed like that until Jean’s sobs started to quiet. The embarrassment was just starting to sink in when Marco began to talk. Not about anything in particular, just a quiet stream of consciousness ranging from the nice weather yesterday to different types of bread to memories of his hometown. Marco had talked and talked until Jean had fallen asleep on his chest, calmed by his words and the steady rhythm of his heart.

They’d never talked about it, but sometimes after bad days, and occasionally even after good ones, they would meet up again behind the gas tanks. Sometimes Marco talked and sometimes Jean talked and sometimes they just sat there in a comfortable silence. Those evenings always made everything just a little bit more bearable, though now the memories just make him feel hollow inside.

Still, he thinks that maybe, just maybe, that might be what Eren needs right now.

 

Silently praying to whatever might be listening (a god, the walls, the titans, he really doesn’t care) that no one comes to check up on them anytime soon, he gingerly wraps his arms around Eren and tugs him close. Eren bucks weakly at the contact and tries to wriggle out of Jean’s grasp but Jean holds tight.

“It’s-” His words feel thick and heavy. “It’s fine, Eren. Just--It’s fine.” Eren stops fighting and for a second Jean thinks he’s getting somewhere. Then Eren starts apologizing.

“I’m...I’m s-sorry! I...I’m not...I shouldn’t...I-!” He presses his hands to his mouth again, trying to hold back the awful, shuddering sobs. “I’m acting like...like a stupid kid! I’m sorry, Jean. I’m…”

Without thinking too much about it, Jean sits down fully and pulls Eren into his lap, one arm around his waist, one arm around his shoulders.

“Shh…” He tries to sooth Eren, rubbing the small of his back with one hand. “It’s okay, Eren. Hush.”

And it’s all so _wrong_.

Because Eren Jaeger is supposed to be loud and annoying and angry, not small and sad and crying into his neck. And Jean Kirschstein is supposed to be superior and annoyed and distant, not soothing and protective and holding him close. As Jean gently rubs Eren’s back and mumbles what he hopes are comforting things, he wonders what Marco would think about this, what he would say. He figures Marco would either smirk, tell him it was his own fault for mentioning Eren’s mom, or offer some advice. Probably all three. Eren sniffs and Jean realizes that his cloak, and probably his neck too, must be covered with tears and snot. Gross.

 

“I’m sorry…” Eren whispers, when he’s finally almost calm. “I-I shouldn’t-”

Jean cuts him off. “Eren. It’s fine.”

They sit quietly, the silence peppered with the occasional sniffle or hitch of breath from Eren.

“I shouldn’t have said that,” Jean finally says. “The thing about your mother, I mean. I’m sorry, it was...it was really uncalled for.”

“I ‘cept your ‘pology,” Eren mumbles, punctuating his words with a loud sniff. Jean rolls his eyes and digs his handkerchief out of his pocket.

“Thanks.” Eren takes a swipe at the tears on his face, blows his nose, and tries to wipe his mess off of Jean’s neck. “Sorry I cried all over you,” he says, drawing back and staring down at the cloth in his hand, “and got you all covered in snot.”

Jean takes the handkerchief back from him, using the tips of his fingers, and shoves it back in his pocket. “It’s fine,” he says again, thinking he sounds like a broken record. “Everybody needs to sometimes,” he adds.

Eren shakes his head, eyes fixed on his hands in his lap. “I shouldn’t.”

Jean feels a weird temptation to slide a hand under Eren’s chin and force him to look up. Maybe even use the other hand to brush the hair from Eren’s face so he can see what he looks like after he’s been crying.

He doesn’t.

“Why not?” he asks instead.

Eren looks up in surprise at that and Jean can see that his eyes are shiny and bright from tears. His cheeks are flushed and he must have been biting his lips because they’re raspberry pink and just a little bit swollen. “Because I’m a soldier!” he says, like he can’t believe Jean doesn’t get it. “Because I’m...I’m humanity’s last hope,” he adds with a brief hysterical laugh.

And Jean’s never thought before about what it must be like to lose your parents and your home, to be left to fend for yourself as a child with only your sister and your best friend to help you, to go off and near kill yourself just to prepare to go off and probably actually kill yourself fighting to avenge your family, to go out and watch people you know dying left and right, and to then be told that you are what you hate most and that everything, _everything_ , depends on you, and to then have people risking their lives and dying _for you_. Jean’s never thought about all that before.

But he’s thinking about it now.

 

His arms tighten around Eren unconsciously. “Doesn’t make a difference,” he says, trying not to stumble over his words. “You’re still allowed. You’re probably more allowed than a lot of people. Sure as hell more allowed than those swine in the inner walls.”

Eren stares at him with wide eyes and Jean feels his face heat up. Finally Eren ducks his head. “Thanks,” he says, curling back into Jean, this time nervously wrapping his arms around him.

“Anytime,” Jean says, rubbing his back again almost reflexively.

He means it, too. Which is odd because Jean Kirschstein isn’t supposed to be willing to comfort Eren Jaeger. That’s just not how they work. He’s about to say something to Eren, ask if this is the kind of thing they should never talk about again, when Eren nuzzles into his neck and exhales soft and quiet and warm which sends tingles running all throughout Jean and oh. Okay. He remembers Marco, remembers falling asleep on him and waking up feeling like the world fit better.

For the first time, the memory doesn’t ache.

He sinks back against the tree trunk and closes his eyes, he can always ask Eren in the morning.


End file.
